“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
― Rick Yancey
I promised myself that this year’s work would begin without hesitation. My bad habits and justification are what keeps me from getting where I need and deserve to be. There is no one else at fault for the life I’ve given myself. I didn’t pay attention to the signs and the help I’ve been given. When the universe moved the pieces for my benefit, and destiny offered insight as to where I needed to be and how to get there, I preferred not to pay attention to my needs and like the busybody that I am, continued hiding behind the troubles of others.
The result of our life is just that. Just like the result of one’s lungs when we smoke cigarettes. Can that result be positive? If we do or don’t take care of ourselves is not the question we should ask, we are each responsible for own worth. But with that said, we should also be aware that our choices do not just affect us. It affects those around us as well. So, if we choose to be a part of this society, we must be aware of how being a part of this human tribe has its responsibilities. I was born and have lived in a country where anything is possible. This is its motto anyway. As far as making it, some of us do and some of us don’t, leaving us asking why not me? “No one gives me a chance; Some people are just born lucky, and my personal favorite. “I simply cannot try any harder than I already have”. (really?)
It’s simply a fact that I have fought and struggled more for the dreams and hopes of outsiders than those of my own. But why? Well…because I didn’t want to work on me. It’s easier to tell people what to do than tell yourself what to do.
Accountability is a bitch.
So today I sat out in my little meditation space I’ve created in my balcony. I lit a white candle, I lit my sage and put on my mantra playlist. I noticed the trees and birds coming so I decided to go and walk a bit and feed them. It was a nice walk, but the reality is…I was running away from what I needed to do. The idea was for me to begin writing today. Not in my journals which I have tons of, but begin transferring all my writings into the computer and begin posting them on my blog, which I’ve been promising myself for too many years. Excuse after excuse knowing that most of them are made up because of my self-doubt. My attention span is already a mess. I get distracted by any little thing. So when I contemplate starting a project or meeting a goal, I allow for any little thing to get in the way. I welcome those asking me for favors because it distracts me from keeping my promises to myself which is easier. Do you ever notice yourself doing the same thing over and over again hoping for better results?
Self-sabotage is Bitch!
So, what happened? Well, as you can see, I wrote and posted. This was one of the promises to myself. Post an article on my blog daily. Will I do it? Not sure, but I do know that today I did. I can no longer wait for the perfect time. I can no longer allow procrastination to be in charge of my days. So, even though I’ve spoken about publishing my book for most of my life, I realize that my financial status may prevent me from it. Then I ask myself this. “Will this be your excuse for the rest of your life?” A glimmer of “smart” slaps me and says; “JUST WRITE DAMMIT.” Stop looking for the right time, the right way, and the right reason. Stop being embarrassed and let your fear go. — I hear a little voice from the past saying…”You will be judged.” “Don’t do it, it’s safer” – The angry and hurt child inside of me then goes into protection mode. Your other self, if allowed, will prevent you from doing anything where you might be let down again. The voice speaks from fear of the pain she has had to endure. The inner child tells you, things like “Don’t forget you’ve tried before; remember you are not a real writer; remember you didn’t finish college; people will laugh at you; don’t take the chance, stay safe and away from all challenges.
Procrastination is a Bitch!
As my brain raced in all directions, I noticed that I automatically got up, grabbed a broom and started sweeping the house. I was doing it again. I forced myself to stop what I was doing. I stopped, closed my eyes, I said I’m sorry to myself, and sat down again. I sat down with my laptop and with no topic, no plan and no agenda. I was not prepared to post anything today. But here I am. Keeping my promise to myself by just doing it. No hesitation…Just sit and do it! – Who am I trying to impress anyway? Whose approval am I waiting for? Do it today. TODAY!! Tomorrow….as its own plans!